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Posted on Jan 13, 2014 in Dear Diary, Weight Loss | 21 comments

Le Plan D’attaque

Well, the battle lines have been drawn. I’ve opened up my feeble, ashamed soul and admitted to you all that I have regained a huge, huge percentage of the weight I once worked so hard to lose. Le sigh. But, as I should have expected, you are all amazingly supportive (and wonderful to commiserate with), so I guess there’s nothing to do now but formulate my plan of attack.

And, yes, the title of this post is Google’s answer to “What is “the plan of attack” in French?” I have no idea if it is grammatically accurate, but I do like the ring of it. Why does it have to be in French? I dunno, I guess I just think it sounds cooler. As most things do.

Anyway, I’m not going to be revealing anything groundbreaking here, I’m sure. My plan pretty much echoes everything that I’ve done in the past, with the hopeful exception that it’ll actually stick this time. So, it breaks down a lot like this:

1. Count calories Yes, this accursed-yet-necessary proverbial thorn in my side is back with a vengeance. I’ve got the My Fitness Pal app on my phone, my food scale on my counter, and am ready to annoyingly log every morsel that passes through my lips.

2. Eat breakfast. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, that eating breakfast is pretty much a necessity for me when it comes to eating well and losing weight. It’s far too easy for me to fall into the trap of not eating anything at all until I’m so ravenous and have to eat something OMGRIGHTNOW that I end up falling into the grasp of the nearest fast food hut. So I picked up a billion-packet box of instant oatmeal from Costco, and I have a lion’s share of bananas, nut butter, and other breakfast goodies stashed away.

3. Make good food choices, especially when eating out. Unfortunately, due to the nature of my job with Yelp, I can’t make any bold declarative statements like, “I will only eat out twice a month!” And I know it sounds like an excuse, but it really is true that my job essentially requires me to eat out fairly frequently. Plus, you know, there’s the fact that I do LIKE eating out. So sue me. Of course, just because I’m eating food someone else prepared for me, doesn’t mean it has to spell the end of my weight loss efforts! Just the opposite, in fact. I’ve always been a proponent of the fact that you can still go out, eat out, and absolutely enjoy having a life even if you’re on a diet. You just have to make good decisions when you do. I am well-versed in navigating a menu and making healthy choices — I know all the tricks. I just have to actually, you know, DO it.

4. Cook more at home. Of course, all that being said, it’s still part of le plan d’attaque for me to cook healthy meals at home whenever I can. Backsliding over the past year has rolled me right back into my bad, lazy habits of ordering in, even when I don’t have any plans to eat out. Which is pretty crazy, since I actually LOVE to cook! I will be doing my best to resist the siren call of our local Domino’s at all times, and instead come up with cool, crafty culinary concoctions (say that 5x fast) that will satisfy my tastebuds AND my waistline.

5. Work out. Of course I had to save the worst for last. I make no secret of the fact that I hate working out. I hate being sweaty, I hate being short of breath, I hate feeling weak, I hate how it forces me to shower, I hate how everybody else in the entire universe is better at it than me, and pretty much the only good thing about it is that workout clothes are really comfy. And thus my impressive arsenal of workout clothing means I can spend like 83% of my time in yoga pants. BUT! I know that it’s good for the body and for the mind and for the soul (probably), so I’m gonna actually do it this time! But don’t worry, I’m sure I will complain about it every step of the way, hahaha.

I know, I know, you’re all like, “Just find something that you like doing! Then it won’t feel like working out!” But girl, believe me, I have TRIED. I’ve tried CrossFit and Zumba and Yoga and Pilates and BodyPump and running and swimming and P90x and Jillian Michael’s 21-Day Ab Shredder or whatever, and no matter how optimistic I was at first, or how much I tried to convince myself I liked it, in the end, I still hated them all.

So, I’m basically just resigning myself to the fate of doing it because I have to, and for no other reason than that. And on the bright side, I’m sure that eventually I’ll get to a point where, whether it’s because it’s just a part of my routine, or because I like the results so much, or because I’ve had a lobotomy and someone has re-programmed me to not be such a lazy SOB, I will probably stop complaining… as much.

And there you have it! My fancy French plan. Obviously there are a few other things that factor into each point, but I think this is a pretty good overview. After all, these are the basic guidelines that led me to losing 60 pounds before, so why wouldn’t they work for the next (er, same) 60? And hopefully beyond!

So, with that, I leave you to start mentally preparing myself for the physical training appointment that I have scheduled this afternoon. And I want it ON RECORD that, since I worked out yesterday, this means I will actually be going to the gym two days in a row. Miracles do happen, people!

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