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Posted on Sep 10, 2010 in Dear Diary, Working Out | 4 comments

Mental Block

Totally meant to blog it up last night, but I got a little distracted due to this amazingness:

Oh, Vampire Diaries. So beautiful. So suspenseful. So vampirey. Ian Somerholder (Boone from Lost, and the hottie on the right) is so good I just want to have his tiny vampire babies. And though I lovelovelove Nina Dobrev, the main actress (in the middle), she’s just so beautiful it makes you hate her a little, haha. The season 2 premiere was last night, and let me just tell you, it did not disappoint. <3

Anyway, I wanted to blog about my day yesterday. In an attempt to make up for the super greasy caloric fries that I had at the ballpark the day before, I tried to be extra good yesterday. But I actually think that trying to be so good brought me in waaaay below my calorie goals, which left me feeling pretty rotten by the end of the day. I don’t know if it was the fact that my body was finally processing the fries, or if it was the low-calorie foods all day, but my tummy was not a happy camper.

It still isn’t too good now, really, although that might have something to do with the black coffee I downed once I got to work. I was really struggling this morning to get up, and kind of started falling asleep at my desk. First time drinking coffee black! It is super bitter and gross, but it did the job. I didn’t intend to drink it black, but for once I actually looked at the ingredient list on the fat-free creamer stuff in the fridge that I would normally use (hazelnut, mmm…) and saw partially hydrogenated soybean oil. Sigh. So I poured it sans-creamer into my already unsettled stomach because I didn’t want to consume the trans fats that we all know comes with anything “partially hydrogenated.” (“Eat This, Not That!” taught me is that foods are allowed to say things like “No Trans Fats!” on them as long as they contain less than 0.5 grams of trans fats. THAT IS NOT NONE!!! Tricksy, tricksy food industry…)

I am also super bloaty and just generally gross feeling, and especially felt that way yesterday. Again, maybe I was just retaining water because of the salt and oil in the foods from the ballgame, but I did not feel pretty. I went to Jazzercise with my Mommy after work (my mom said that I inspired her to finally start exercising too!)

But while I’m glad I went, I just felt sluggish and heavy the whole time. And this was the Jazzercise Lite class, too! Oh well, everyone has off days, I suppose. And at least I WENT to Jazzercise, right? And I even ended up getting my sweat on:

I just have to always be able to push through and keep my spirits up, even if I’m not feeling particularly great, or into it. I think that was one of my big downfalls in all previous attempts to lose weight – giving up when the going got tough, or even just a little bit less than perfect. I mean, everybody has “thin days” vs. “fat days”, and while arguably right now all of my days are fat days, there are definitely still times when I feel better about my body than others. It’s always an internal struggle for me either way though, because when I’m having a “fat” day, I feel discouraged and want to give up because the goal seems unattainable. But when I’m having a “thin” day, I still can’t let myself be happy with how I feel about myself. Call it women’s logic (i.e. craziness) but mentally it’s like I feel like if I’m ever happy with my body, as long as I’m still fat, I won’t have the motivation to keep going. So I can’t let myself get complacent, and I can’t let myself be happy with myself overweight, but on the other hand, I’m trying to be healthy in all senses of the word. And it’s definitely not a healthy mentality if you can’t love yourself the way you are now. Dilemmas, dilemmas.

Anyway, that’s enough heavy for right now. I hope everyone is excited for the weekend! I actually have a lot going on, so there should hopefully be some exciting posts to come (as long as I can make myself actually, you know, post them!) TGIF, everyone!

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Posted on Aug 27, 2010 in Dear Diary | 1 comment

There are roller coasters, and then there are roller coasters.

Tomorrow the family and I are headed to Kings Dominion – amusement park extraordinaire! It’s about an hour and a half south of DC, and includes tons of coasters, a full waterpark inside, and all that good stuff. I’m very excited, since I haven’t been to KD since I was 13, and it’ll be nice just to spend some time with the fam. Plus, a great excuse to walk around all day burning up the calories, and trying not to get burned by the sun (so unfairly fair skinned am I… sigh.) So that’s the first type of roller coaster this post is about:

The other type of roller coaster I’m talking about is the emotional one I seem to have been riding all day long. I don’t know if it is mostly stemming from it being that time of the month or what (sorry if that’s TMI, y’all), but I have just been going up and down all day. I had a stressful day at work, especially in the morning, because a last-minute request came up from our corporate office and we had meetings booked all day so there was barely any time to get it orchestrated. But I was feeling pretty good around the afternoon, things mellowed out a tiny bit and I had a nice lunch.

I signed up for a 13-week Zumba class with the Falls Church Parks & Rec department thanks to a great tip from Beth’s blog on doing fitness on a budget! I am actually legitimately excited about this class, and I had to pay for the whole season up front (runs 9/14 through 12/7) but I think that will be good motivation to encourage me to go. I’m also encouraging my friend Reema to sign up with me, since she lives in FC as well and she’s the one who brought me along to Zumba this past Wednesday, so we’ll see. If that wasn’t sweet enough in and of itself, my awesome sister offered to buy me some new workout clothes as a reward/motivation for signing up for the class! I definitely need them, too. So all in all, pretty good stuff. But in and out, through and through the day I’ve been kind of down in the dumps.

I just don’t really know why I’m doldrum-dwelling at current moment. I have had a good day, I’m excited for tomorrow, I have two adorable doggies snoozing at my feet right now, so why am I so down? Again, maybe this is just something to chalk up to Aunt Flo, but I’m just feeling… stuck. I was trying to pick out the swimsuit to wear to the park tomorrow under my clothes, and trying them on just got me really depressed. I usually have an ability to be totally blind to my flaws – see around the lumps and sags and stretch marks, but I couldn’t do that today. I feel like for the first time in a long time, I actually saw myself as I really look. Sans denial. And I just stared at my currently massive self in the mirror and thought about how impossibly far my goal really is.

Am I really ever going to be anything other than fat? I fantasize about being a size 6, or 8, or 10 (really, I’ll take any of them) and looking chic in pretty much anything. Being able to define a style that isn’t dependent on what clothes I can actually find in my size. Turning heads in a way that isn’t reminiscent of the way a parade float turns heads. And when I think about that, and then I see myself as I am now, the gap seems so much wider. It just doesn’t seem like it’s something that I can make happen.

I don’t want to sound like the whiner baby I am, I don’t even really know what I’m saying here. I know it’s hasn’t even been three weeks that I’ve been on this journey, and that things are happening. It’s just so hard to continue to see clearly, or even just have faith that there’s a finish line out there. One that I really can cross someday. And I’m kind of hating myself for even feeling this way. I’m so grateful and amazed at the support that I’ve already received, why can’t I just suck it up and stop being so emo about this all?

Like I said, just a bit of an emotional ride today. I think I knew that something was off with my emotions when I got CRAZY excited about our new vacuum cleaner (don’t get me wrong, it truly is awesome but… it’s a vacuum cleaner.) Hopefully things will even out a little bit tomorrow and I’ll just be able to enjoy everything for what it is right now. If you’ve made it through reading all of this drivel to this point, congratulations! Hopefully something a little less moody will be here for you tomorrow. 🙂

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