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Posted on Jan 13, 2014 in Dear Diary, Weight Loss | 21 comments

Le Plan D’attaque

Well, the battle lines have been drawn. I’ve opened up my feeble, ashamed soul and admitted to you all that I have regained a huge, huge percentage of the weight I once worked so hard to lose. Le sigh. But, as I should have expected, you are all amazingly supportive (and wonderful to commiserate with), so I guess there’s nothing to do now but formulate my plan of attack.

And, yes, the title of this post is Google’s answer to “What is “the plan of attack” in French?” I have no idea if it is grammatically accurate, but I do like the ring of it. Why does it have to be in French? I dunno, I guess I just think it sounds cooler. As most things do.

Anyway, I’m not going to be revealing anything groundbreaking here, I’m sure. My plan pretty much echoes everything that I’ve done in the past, with the hopeful exception that it’ll actually stick this time. So, it breaks down a lot like this:

1. Count calories Yes, this accursed-yet-necessary proverbial thorn in my side is back with a vengeance. I’ve got the My Fitness Pal app on my phone, my food scale on my counter, and am ready to annoyingly log every morsel that passes through my lips.

2. Eat breakfast. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, that eating breakfast is pretty much a necessity for me when it comes to eating well and losing weight. It’s far too easy for me to fall into the trap of not eating anything at all until I’m so ravenous and have to eat something OMGRIGHTNOW that I end up falling into the grasp of the nearest fast food hut. So I picked up a billion-packet box of instant oatmeal from Costco, and I have a lion’s share of bananas, nut butter, and other breakfast goodies stashed away.

3. Make good food choices, especially when eating out. Unfortunately, due to the nature of my job with Yelp, I can’t make any bold declarative statements like, “I will only eat out twice a month!” And I know it sounds like an excuse, but it really is true that my job essentially requires me to eat out fairly frequently. Plus, you know, there’s the fact that I do LIKE eating out. So sue me. Of course, just because I’m eating food someone else prepared for me, doesn’t mean it has to spell the end of my weight loss efforts! Just the opposite, in fact. I’ve always been a proponent of the fact that you can still go out, eat out, and absolutely enjoy having a life even if you’re on a diet. You just have to make good decisions when you do. I am well-versed in navigating a menu and making healthy choices — I know all the tricks. I just have to actually, you know, DO it.

4. Cook more at home. Of course, all that being said, it’s still part of le plan d’attaque for me to cook healthy meals at home whenever I can. Backsliding over the past year has rolled me right back into my bad, lazy habits of ordering in, even when I don’t have any plans to eat out. Which is pretty crazy, since I actually LOVE to cook! I will be doing my best to resist the siren call of our local Domino’s at all times, and instead come up with cool, crafty culinary concoctions (say that 5x fast) that will satisfy my tastebuds AND my waistline.

5. Work out. Of course I had to save the worst for last. I make no secret of the fact that I hate working out. I hate being sweaty, I hate being short of breath, I hate feeling weak, I hate how it forces me to shower, I hate how everybody else in the entire universe is better at it than me, and pretty much the only good thing about it is that workout clothes are really comfy. And thus my impressive arsenal of workout clothing means I can spend like 83% of my time in yoga pants. BUT! I know that it’s good for the body and for the mind and for the soul (probably), so I’m gonna actually do it this time! But don’t worry, I’m sure I will complain about it every step of the way, hahaha.

I know, I know, you’re all like, “Just find something that you like doing! Then it won’t feel like working out!” But girl, believe me, I have TRIED. I’ve tried CrossFit and Zumba and Yoga and Pilates and BodyPump and running and swimming and P90x and Jillian Michael’s 21-Day Ab Shredder or whatever, and no matter how optimistic I was at first, or how much I tried to convince myself I liked it, in the end, I still hated them all.

So, I’m basically just resigning myself to the fate of doing it because I have to, and for no other reason than that. And on the bright side, I’m sure that eventually I’ll get to a point where, whether it’s because it’s just a part of my routine, or because I like the results so much, or because I’ve had a lobotomy and someone has re-programmed me to not be such a lazy SOB, I will probably stop complaining… as much.

And there you have it! My fancy French plan. Obviously there are a few other things that factor into each point, but I think this is a pretty good overview. After all, these are the basic guidelines that led me to losing 60 pounds before, so why wouldn’t they work for the next (er, same) 60? And hopefully beyond!

So, with that, I leave you to start mentally preparing myself for the physical training appointment that I have scheduled this afternoon. And I want it ON RECORD that, since I worked out yesterday, this means I will actually be going to the gym two days in a row. Miracles do happen, people!


  1. “I hate how it forces me to shower”

    The entire reason I hate working out. People who workout twice a day and shower twice a day? Are you kidding me? HOW?

  2. Great plan! You can do it! Can’t wait to follow along with you!

  3. I hate how it forces me to show too! I’ve tried em all too and hated them all until I started kickboxing. I take the class in a martial arts studio so I can convince myself I am not taking an exercise class but am instead learning how to be a BA. Its pretty darn cathartic to kick and punch stuff.

  4. Girl. Showering is the worst. I’m so glad we’re all in agreement here. It’s so bad for your skin and hair!

    Maybe your solution is wacky variety so even though you hate all the things, you don’t hate them AS MUCH?

    Or try something really insane, like rowing. It’s my favoritest and I’d do it all the time if rowers weren’t such damn early birds.

  5. The need to shower post-workout is my biggest complaint! I’m easing my way back into working out by doing yoga. It’s a gentle workout that I don’t hate and it gets me in the habit of doing something everyday. Next week I’ll woman up and start to incorporate the sweaty stuff.

  6. Aaahhhh! So glad you are back, and BEST gifs ever. 🙂 I too am back on it. I gained back 20 of the 35 I had lost and I have a couples only trip to Vegas scheduled in June. I need to remedy this situation pronto. Have you tried hula hoop exercising? It seems like something you would love. I read an article about Kelly Osbourne doing it. Good luck!

  7. I hear you Gretchen…my happy relationship gut is in full force and I’ve gained about half the weight back that I lost while blogging. Glad to see you’re back at it, I am too! New year, same happy relationship, but a fresh start on the weight loss! Good luck!

  8. i’m so happy to see your website up and blog posts rolling out. have you tried cycling? i suggest it because a)it’s easy on the joints, b)you can read AND workout at the same time if you ride a spin bike at the gym and c)i love cycling so obvs i’m trying to push it on others 😀 good luck girl! i’ll be following along 🙂

  9. Gretchen, I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and I found it when you participated in Reach the Beach with some other bloggers I follow. So, basically I’m here to say that based on that, you are no longer allowed to say that you hate working out because everybody is better than you at it, because that’s just not true. Continue with the other reasons.

    Good luck! I’m rooting for you.

  10. Indeed, the shower is the worst part. But promise me you will try a Jazzercise class? I hated working out until I found Jazzercise. Now I am an instructor and soon-to-be owner of my own classes! It’s been around for almost 50 years for a reason! Email me if you want more info. 🙂

  11. I like working out, but I hate the post working out. The being sweaty and needing to shower. Also, I tried to run today and failed miserably. I hate cardio. Love lifting, though. 🙂

  12. Girlfriend, I feel you. I was on a roll last year — 35 pounds down, several more to go — and now i feel like I’ve stalled out. I’ve mentally written down my plan, and I have a few goals, but it makes me glad (in a weird way) to see I’m not the only one in this boat.

  13. Have you tried Taebo? I just love when Billy Blanks yells at me “Don’t quit! Don’t quit!” Also, all that kicking and punching, it’s just fun! Don’t quit! You can do it! 🙂

    • Oh Tae Bo!!! My sister-in-law did a full month of Tae Bo workouts in the early morning at her photography studio. She has all the Tae Bo VHS tapes and we watched them on this tiny tv. It was SO FUN.

  14. showering is the worst! you can do it though or just don’t shower and only workout on days you don’t have anywhere to be?

  15. I loved reading this post! I’ve been in a constant state of “I need to lose weight” for the past few months, yet really haven’t had much success. I understand how to use weight, yet have a hard time actually following through, despite my best efforts. I have really made this a priority in 2014, and really hope to reach my goal weight by January 1, 2015. I just signed up for Advocare (I’m sure you’ve read about that, it’s blowing up all over the blog world!) and I’m really looking forward to having something that can help me kickstart my weight loss. Good luck! As I said on Twitter, I’m really looking forward to following along with your journey & hope we can motivate one another! 🙂

  16. My love, I’m SO happy to see you blogging on here again and have been LOVING these last few posts! I have no doubt that you’ll have just as much success with weight loss as you did before. Let me tell you from someone who has lost 60 lbs and gained back 30 of it- it SUCKS (and I gained mine back after Greg and I started dating!). But it can be lost again- and I think that regaining helps you learn what NOT to do next time to make it permanent.
    I’m cheering for you, girl! Come out here and I’ll take you on some hikes- talk about killer cardio! xoxo

  17. Get it girl!!!! I am a frequent lunch time worker outter and because of that I use the fancy ass dispenser that gives me one soap that I use to wash my body and hair haha. BECAUSE I shower at the gym I have found that my legs can get ROUGH quick because I definitely do not care to shower 2x in one day. Barf. I am actually going in for a sports massage this afternoon and last night before bed I felt my legs and was like merrr hairy… should I shower and shave before bed? Nahhhh. Make is rain lady!! AND we are way over due for our play date… that we attempted to set up… like last year.

  18. Hi, i like your post so much, especially the anime pictures. They give so much fun to the post.
    I am sorry to hear that you gain back your weight, but you did it once and you will do it again. I believe in you.
    You have a great weight loss plan, i never believe in starving yourself to death. Do everything you say and i am sure you will shrink down the pounds in good time period.
    I just want to add, my own GOLDEN RULE is not to eat late at night, at least 2 hours before you go to bed.

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