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Posted on Dec 3, 2012 in Dear Diary | 0 comments

Mirror Image

Hi! So, notice anything new around these parts?

Yep, that’s right, I’ve got a brand spankin’ new theme to go with my brand spankin’ new blog server. I was having MUCHO ISSUES…O with the website over the past few weeks, as many of you probably (and unfortunately) noticed. So my brother/web tech extraordinaire helped me migrate over to a new host, which should hopefully mean no more 404 error pages, and NO MORE WEIRD AD REROUTING! Huzzah!

I’m still working out some of the layout and design stuff, so let me know if there’s anything in particular you really miss about the old layout, or if you hate something about this new one, or whatever. I’d love to hear your input!

In other news, my book is OFFICIALLY BEING RELEASED THIS MONTH! Let that settle over you for a sec. I’m in the VERY FINAL (I know I throw the word “final” around here a lot with regard to my book, so I wanted to make sure you knew it was REALLY final this time, hahaha) editing phases, thanks to a few very talented and verrrrry patient individuals that probably totally regret ever agreeing to work with me. Heh. I’m pretty satisfied with where the book is overall, but I’m just trying to get rid of all those nasty typos and weird/awkward sentences. Because I love you guys so much. If any of you have a Goodreads account, you can also officially add Terra to your “To Read” list! I created a profile for the book this morning. :)

Okay, so down to the actual crux of this post. This morning, I had this weird, crystallizing moment of clarity this morning, and it was kind of awesome. I was just standing around in my bra and undies, getting dressed and ready for my day. And I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My stomach wasn’t sucked in, my hands weren’t on my hips, I wasn’t coyly putting my weight on one leg. I wasn’t employing any of my tricks to make myself seem thinner, or shapelier, or whatever-er. I was just, standing. I might have even been bending over a little (and I think we all know what bending over does to even the flattest of stomachs, let alone nice rolly-polly ones like mine). But I wasn’t thinking of any of that stuff. All I thought was, “Hey, that’s one normal-looking chick.”

Now, you have to understand, I don’t mean to word this in a self-deprecating way, and I’m definitely not fishing for compliments (this time, hahahaha). For someone like me, someone who has struggled with self-image and body image and loving my body and loving myself for SO long, just feeling normal is a huge victory. I try to preach a lot about loving yourself as you are, embracing the body you have now, etc. I even post pictures of myself from my vacations, totally out there (well, not TOTALLY out there, but in my bikini), because I’m trying to prove that I really believe all of that. And some days, I do.

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But let’s be honest. Most days, I’m really embracing the “fake it” part of “fake it ’til you make it.” And most days, if I had my way, there is probably no limit to the number of things I would give up in exchange for a thin, svelte body. I know that. I mean, hell, the whole reason I started this blog was because of my vanity. Sure, along the way I discovered myself, I discovered all the benefits of being healthy, and I realized that there are a lot of things that are better than just being skinny. But at the very core of my being, OF COURSE I still want to be thin.

Now, that said, I think today was a pretty important step for me, too. Because for the first time in a really LONG time, I looked at myself in the mirror — REALLY looked at myself — and I didn’t hate on a single thing. Yes, my stomach isn’t flat. Yes, I am still a lot more zaftig or voluptuous or hefty or ::shudder:: fat than a lot of women out there. But who says that has to be a bad thing? I’m squishy and soft, which means I’m a lot of fun to hug. I’ve got giant bazoomas, which means dressing up to go out can be kind of fun (though dressing for work can often be challenging). I have an hourglass figure, which means I have a nice, proportional waist even if my hips are wide or my thighs touch.

I know that I’ll have good days and bad days. I know I’ll still have days where I wish that every single thing about me was different, and that all my problems would go away if I was just a little thinner. But I like to think that this is the start of me having quite a few good days, too. Days when I don’t question why my boyfriend is attracted to me or think that every other woman on the street is judging me. Days where I feel confident and sure of myself, not just because I’m funny or witty or a good writer or any other number of non-physical traits, but because I look perfectly fine.

And I think that’s pretty cool. Yes, I still want to tone up, and I want to present the best possible version of myself. But I think I’m finally getting my head wrapped around the idea that the best possible version of myself doesn’t have to be “thin.” She just has to be me. A happy, healthy me.

Man, I sound so well-adjusted. I’d better cut myself off before you all start to get the wrong impression of me, eh? :)

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