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Posted on Jun 20, 2012 in Dear Diary | 0 comments

Flake

There are many things that I’ve learned about myself since I’ve started this blog. Sure, it all began as a way to document my food intake, fitness, and subsequent weight loss, but I think we can all recognize that it’s become a lot more than that. The process of putting all my crazy thoughts into some semblance of order is not only incredibly cathartic, but eye-opening. It’s helped me to see patterns in my behavior, identify why I do the things that I do, and has helped me grow because of (or in spite of?) them.

In fact, insane though it may sound to some, I’ve come to depend on this blog quite a lot. Organizing my thoughts, writing these posts, and hearing feedback from you guys, I really value it. I don’t base major decisions in my life on what I write and read within the confines of this website, of course, but I do give a lot of weight to what I discover about myself here.

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I’m wishy-washy. I’m a flaky person. I don’t like to commit to things, and I don’t like to be held accountable for things. I don’t know if that’s because I’m young or lazy or just a brat, but it’s something that I know about myself now. And in knowing, I do my best to counteract that. I know that I tend to flake out on things, so I actively force myself to stay in them. That internal push is what made me complete the relay race when I didn’t think I would be able to, when I thought that my spot on the team would be better suited for someone else. Even on days when it feels like it might be easier to give up, it’s what makes me eventually come back to face the music when it comes to my stalled weight loss. It’s what keeps me from tossing in the towel and kicking the bucket when I know it would be easier just to give up.

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The only thing is, another thing that I know about myself is how I tend to get slightly overzealous. Things that start out with the best of intentions can easily be taken too far. I touched on this in my last post about trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life career-wise. I know that I tend to be wishy-washy and change my mind a lot and have a hard time finishing things, so in trying to counteract that, I just fail to pull the trigger at all. I tried to instigate some forward motion in starting to take classes in pursuit of an eventual teaching degree, but now I’m starting to doubt that, too. Which is stressing me out because now I’m not sure if I feel like I should continue down this path because I want to, or because I feel like I’d be good at it, or because I feel like I have to because I’ve already publicly declared my intentions. It makes me anxious to even voice these concerns, because I don’t want to add to my change-my-mind, wishy-washy tendencies any more than I already do!

I know that I never said for sure that I was definitely going to teach. I’ve never claimed that it’s my calling, that it’s my destiny, that I want to inspire a younger generation. Actually, I mostly hate the younger generations, haha. They’re punks. (YOUTHS!). No, I know better than to make broad, overly-committal statements like that anymore. I said that I would try taking some classes, seeing how they go, and seeing how I feel about it. Well, despite my very recent post about how much I’m enjoying being in class (true) and working towards something (also true), I’m not so sure that WHAT I’m working towards is really the right choice for me.

Teaching is a practical choice, and it’s a very, very respectable career, but given all the other factors in my life — how much I already live in a semi-public eye, how much I enjoy that aspect of my life, and how what I really want to do is write — is it for me? But if it isn’t, then what is? The job that I have is fine for now, but it’s not a career. What I really want is to just magically have enough money to not have a job, write my novel, take photographs, blog, and freelance. Ahhh, to dream.

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With all the questions still up in the air, and all the unknowns that are constantly looming over my head, however, all I want to do is follow suit with my furrier halves and hide under the covers until the answers become clear. Or until I start to care less. I think I’d take either at this point.

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