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Posted on Apr 18, 2012 in Dear Diary, Weigh Ins | 25 comments

Anxiety (Weigh-in)

I am not exactly what you might call a laid-back person.

You know, that whole personality trait where you can let things go easily, you don’t stress out, you don’t get worked up? Not me. This is shocking to you, I’m sure, given the level of enthusiasm I’ve been expressing for the past week over all my various birthday activities, haha. I just run a little more emotionally high than some people.

Normally, the whole excited-about-everything-good-and-bad thing works for me! While I’m generally always riding the line of being stressed out about SOMETHING, I’ve never had a particular problem with managing it. I’ve never had to deal with stress or anxiety on a large scale. Which is probably how it should be because, let’s face it, I live a relatively stress-free life. I don’t live in a warzone, I don’t have a chronic illness or an incredibly demanding job. I’m certainly not rolling in cash monies, but I’m no longer carrying around any credit card debt and I still live a very enjoyable life on my budget. I have a supportive family, great friends, a wonderful boyfriend, and two epic mini schnauzers. Okay, now it just sounds like I’m bragging, hahaha.

The point I’m trying to (rather unsuccessfully) make is that yes, while I have my share of days that are full of pressing deadlines and less-than-ideal circumstances, it’s never been something that a hot shower or pedicure or heart-pumping sweat session or trip to the dog park or 8 full hours of sleep hasn’t been able to fix. But lately, increasingly so in the past few days, I’ve been feeling really anxious. About everything. About nothing. It’s a strange, new, and uncomfortable state for me to be in. I find my breath hitching when I’m doing nothing but sitting at my desk writing emails. My heart starts racing and my palms begin to sweat when I’m cooking dinner. And I don’t really know how to deal with it appropriately.

I can’t really pinpoint what is it that has me on such high alert lately. Yes, there are a few things on my mind, what with my recent potential career change decision, the Reach the Beach relay (both the logistics/travel/planning for it and the thought of actually, y’know, running it), and, as always, my weight loss progress (or current lack thereof). But these things have been subjects of thought for a while now, so why is it only now that my body feels like it’s physically rejecting them? All I know right now is that despite yesterday consisting of a massage AND a sweaty Zumba session AND a hot shower afterward, I only felt better for like, 4 hours. I slept fitfully and woke up feeling as anxious as I did the day before. My brain is a douchebag.



(source)

As you can imagine, my weigh-in for today didn’t exactly help alleviate my feelings of anxiety this morning. I posed a question on Facebook yesterday to gauge whether or not I would be severely judged for skipping my weigh-in (again) in the name of birthday glory (again), and while some of you gracious souls did give me the go-ahead to skip, more of you ended up convincing me to just do it and get it over with. The not-knowing would probably have caused me even more stress in the long run anyway…

Starting Weight: 246 lbs
Last Weigh-in: 188.4 lbs
This Weigh-in: 194.0 lbs
Difference: +5.6 lbs

… Or not. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Well, you guys are always telling me not to be too hard on myself (“I suck!” “How can I call myself a weight loss blogger?!” I’ve wasted a year with all this yo-yoing!”) and I’m always telling myself to stop making excuses (“It was my birthday!” “I drank! A lot!” “Sodium! Alcohol! Sugar!”), so in the spirit of compromise I won’t do either. I’ll just say that it is what it is, and if I got to do my week of birthday debauchery all over again, I’m sure I would. I’ve been pretty good about eating cleanly and exercising since the party so hopefully in another week I’ll be back down a few libbies.

You’re also always encouraging me to stop with the negative self-talk, so in that spirit I’ll simply re-post this photo from Saturday, which I love:

And remind myself that 190+ might still be a little lumpy but, all things considered, it doesn’t look all that bad.

For now.

Onward.

25 Comments

  1. Im glad you don’t find yourself in that mess very often. Anxiety is not fun and I don’t wish it upon anyone.

  2. Honestly, 5.6 is NOT that bad. When people come into a WW meeting scared to weigh in, I always tell them to just face the scale, and that it’s a fresh start. Say you didn’t weigh in today and then you worked your little booty off over the next week to make up for the damage, and then next week’s weigh in shows a GAIN from pre-birthday. It’d be so discouraging! This way you just faced the music, you know what you need to do. And as you say, onwards!

    And yes, you do make an adorable HP, though I still am a little horrified that the costume was marketed a dress…

  3. “Life is too short not to live it up a little!”. (You might recognize the quote.) Now it’s back on the wagon!

  4. chin up! btw, had so much fun on saturday night and meeting sean!

    • I loved meeting your man too. He left his Whole Foods beer canister thingy here, btw!

  5. I feel like I’m reading a blog about myself sometimes. I’m the most UNLAID BACK PERSON IN THE worLD LMAO which is why I am thankful my bf is the complete opposite and super level-headed and calm.

    It’s most likely bloat from all the celebration :)! I think you need to tackle the emotional part. Do something that calms you. I recently took up golf which is a very zen sport 😉

  6. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with anxiety. It sounds like it really could be the job stuff and the race and I hope it settles down quickly.

    As far as the weigh-in, I really love Beth’s advice. It’s great that you faced the scale! I was considering skipping my own weigh-in this week, but you (and Beth!) just motivated me to face it. Thank you!

  7. Good job doing a weigh in when i know you didn’t want to- i’m proud of you for going to zumba yesterday and for scheduling a run with a friend tomorrow. we’ll be good this weekend too with our sisterly bonding ok? 🙂

  8. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but the anxiety stuff could be quarter-life crisis? I’m in the throes of it right now and it’s not so fun. I’m very much like you–super excited about both good and bad–which can sometimes make it seem more severe because the highs feel really high and lows feel really low. I wish I knew some great advice, but the most helpful thing for me to remember is to just ride it out. As long as I remember that my emotions are cyclical, it will all be okay. I think this is just life as an adult??? Not entirely sure. This comic sums it up pretty well: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

    Anyway, I think you look GREAT in your costume. Life is worth living no matter what point of your weight loss journey you’re at. I know you would have had just as much fun at that party if you were two sizes smaller, so just remember that!

    • Oh my! I remember my quarter life crisis! It was insane. But it’s something we all go through. It helped giving the anxiety and worry a name, at least for me. I also read a book about it which helped me get over the emotional and anxiety ridden hump.

      Eat Live Move: Intuitive Eating from A to Z!

  9. I feel like half the time I’m up 5+ lbs from the beginning of the day to the end. I’m sure it’s nothing that a few days of clean eating can’t fix.

    Keep your chin up! And I commend you for posting your honest weigh-in. That’s always the worst part.

  10. Way to rally! Fake it till you make it, I always say. Oh, and a gain like that is definitely just a heap of water and sodium. Hang in there, next week will look better!

  11. You’re not alone…you and I have the EXACT SAME inner dialogue! “How can I call myself a weight loss blogger” and my personal favorite, “I’ve wasted so much time, I could be at goal right now if I wasn’t f*ing around!” I know I’ve gained a few lb’s since my birthday two weeks ago…but I haven’t weighed in yet. Good for you for biting the bullet! I’m sure you’ll drop a few this week. Xo!

  12. Okay, the first brain picture describes my nightly bedtime routine perfectly. I have the same struggle every single night.

    Additionally, I second what Beth said about the weigh in. Better to know now than to get a nasty surprise next week! You’ll get it back down and this will all be a distant memory. As far as the anxiety goes – are you on any medications? I once had a birth control pill that after several years of being fine suddenly caused me to have a ton of anxiety. It could be something like that. Or maybe you need a few days off to just sit around doing as little as possible? That sometimes helps me!

  13. Great job weighing yourself. You are awesome. And you’ll be back down in no time. Not to worry!

    About the anxiety: some of your other readers have suggested medications as a possible cause; I’d just like to add to that the probably obvious point that lots of medical conditions can cause anxiety. Including — duh — clinical anxiety. If these spells continue to bother you, perhaps you should see a doctor. Quite likely a thorough workup will reveal the culprit and set you on your way to feeling better.

    Also, don’t forget the huge ton of mindfulness exercises out there. I seem to remember that you are a Christian? Maybe you could try a prayer and meditation site? My friends used to swear by this link they had to the Daily Office — they said it was the ultimate calm-and-perspective-inducer. Just a thought! 🙂

  14. You are not alone, I don’t think I can even call myself a weight loss blogger anymore…since I just keep gaining weight!

  15. I’m sorry you’re going through a stressful time – it’s no fun!

    On a different note, I have to say that you look AMAZING in your Harry Potter costume. You look really, really awesome. So, at least there’s that 🙂

  16. There must be something in the water because I’m been having a lot of the same fears and anxieties. It’s a journey… this is just part of it.

    You look amazing as HP!

  17. I’m sorry you’re dealing with anxiety. I have the same problems especially with sleep and definitely disastrous upcoming weigh in on Saturday. I personally think you look freaking amazing and super adorable as Harry Potter. Maybe you can make some time to do something you really love like reading or getting a pedicure or crafting?

  18. I am proud of you for weighing, and sharing your weigh-in when it wasn’t a perfect number! Your honestly and sharing of your inner dialogues and weightloss struggles are what keep me coming back. You are real, and relatable! How you react to a gain shows way more about your commitment and drive to a healthy new you! <3

  19. I’ve dealt with anxiety on and off for my entire life. Keep doing the things that usually help. Even if they only help for 4 hours, that’s 4 hours of feeling better that you wouldn’t have otherwise. The thing I tell myself is that I may feel like crap, but I know it will pass. It always does, and then I am back to my super emotional self that cries because I’m so happy that my life is awesome 🙂 And also, the weight is a single measure (and not a great one) of one single goal. Don’t forget that. Maybe you didn’t meet that goal this week, but you celebrated your birthday and you Zumba’d! Sounds like lots of more important goals were achieved. Keep your chin up, Gretchen! I hope you feel much better soon!

  20. I didn’t read through the bevy of previous comments so forgive me if I’m merely echoing them …

    I have found this stage in my life (24) to be the most question-filled. From the day you’re born to the day you graduate from college, you’re on a path. And though it may seem like you’re still on a path now, you might find that you are able and more apt to veer off in a different direction, without a leader. That can be scary and produce anxiety without you even realizing it!

    OK, I didn’t mean for this comment to sound like it was written by a guidance counselor, so I’m going to cut myself off. This blog post spoke to me so I felt compelled to comment.

    Sushi …

  21. I like you! This is the only post I have read so far, but I am subscribed now! And I think you look great! BTW I just read a study about rats and honey, and it seems that rats fed honey have significantly less anxiety than rats fed sugar. Couldn’t find it replicated on humans though!

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