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Posted on Jul 14, 2011 in Dear Diary, Fail | 39 comments

A Gloomy Place

 

“Good morning, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning,” he said. “Which I doubt,” said he.
“Why, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”

                                                   
 

As if you couldn’t tell from the above, I am in a bit of a gloomy place today. Feeling just a little bit hum-drum, dwelling in the doldrums, in a funk, etc, etc. Yesterday wasn’t a great day, I guess. But hey, it’s probably about time for another emotional roller coaster ride anyway.

I thought it would be a good day. A great day, even. When I stepped on the scale yesterday morning, I was back at my pre-Fourth of July weekend weight! Which means that by some miracle I not only didn’t gain weight at the beach, I lost weight at the beach. So, as I said, it had all of the ingredients to become a good day.

But, it just didn’t turn out that way. So by the time lunch rolled around, and I walked into a meeting where free pizza was being served by the boxful, I helped myself to a slice. Then another. And even though I was stuffed after those two (tiny squares of thin-crust these were not), I helped myself to another after that. I’m trying to take solace in the fact that a year ago it probably would have been 5 or 6 slices, but it still doesn’t make me feel good that I still fall victim of my old habits: eating just to eat. Eating because you’re sad, or lonely, or just a little bit off.

After driving home in a scary torrential downpour, my spirits weren’t much higher, but around 6 the sun came back out and had dried out the sidewalk. So I tried. I really tried to take my pity-partying self and turn the day around.

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I tried to go for a run.

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And barely made it a mile before stopping to walk most of the way back. While the 19:45 pace showing on the watch isn’t my average pace, just the pace from my walking around taking pictures of my sweaty self, it might as well have been. I could probably try to blame it on the humidity (thick), the heat (all-consuming), having just eaten (I had) or other various factors, but really, I just blame myself. How is it possible to have degenerated from being able to run 3 miles at 210 lbs to not even being able to run 1 mile at 192 lbs? It’s just… disheartening.

I so wish that I could be one of those people that spews out quotables like, “You never regret a workout!” or “Running clears your mind.” or “Work out, and you’ll work out your problems.” But I can’t, because most of the time, I don’t really believe them. Running isn’t mind-clearing or peaceful for me, it’s painful. From the first step it is a full-on battle with myself: my body, my brain, my heart, and my willpower fighting to the death, fighting to see when I’ll stop. And yes, I do feel pride when I complete a race, or finish a run strong, and the “after” does sometimes outweigh the misery of the “during.” But it isn’t easy for me. So after a gloomy day filled with drama and tension and stress, a bad run was just the cherry on top of my sadsack sundae.

But okay. Enough. You guys don’t need to hear any more about my irrationally depressing day, and I know that I do have things to look forward to. Namely (perhaps only) this:

 

The midnight showing for which I shall be in attendance at tonight. If anyone else is going to be seeing Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 at Tysons tonight, let me know! I’m really cool, and I could use a seat buddy. Yep. I’m so cool that all my friends deserted me and I’m going alone. But if anyone else happens to be going there, you can revel in the awesomeness of my rockin’ Gryffindor track jacket, you lucky thing.

Don’t be surprised if tomorrow I’m depressed too, just for a totally different reason. It’s the end of an era! And today’s run should be a good one. It will involve sprinting to get a good seat in the theatre, and that’s a mental battle I know I can win.

39 Comments

  1. I’m sorry you’re down today. It does help to have something as amazing has HP 7 pt 2 to look forward to. 😀 I’m going to a midnight showing too! By the way I absolutely love those posters you posted…especially Neville!

    • I can’t wait I can’t wait I can’t wait I can’t wait

    • You know what? That absolutely helped. His moves be smooooth.

  2. We all have days like that sometimes and it’s ok- you just have to let it go and try to focus on today. Allow yourself to be excited about seeing the movie tonight! Don’t let a bad run attempt get you down- there are plenty more opportunities to start over again (it’s hard when it’s hot out for sure). Plus you get to see ME on sunday 🙂

      • True. The one highlight of my “run” (I use that term loosely, clearly) is that I ran into (not literally) a woman walking her miniature dachshund. Friendliest little rolly-polly thing ever. So cute.

  3. I could have written this post.

    I was actually talking to my Dad last night about running. I’ve really been struggling with it. I feel like I should like it. I feel like it should be easy (I’ve been doing it for almost 2 years) and it most certainly isn’t. I feel like I should enjoy it. And yeah, I enjoy crossing the finish line and telling people I’m a “runner” but do I feel like I’m a successful runner? No. I think it is time for me to really, truly evaluate if I even enjoy running. I feel like I should run because it is what healthy people do, but I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that you don’t have to be a runner to be healthy.

    Beyond that, thank you for writing this. So many bloggers out there are all rainbows and waterfalls and never talk about how they are sad or depressed or going through a tough time and that makes me feel like I’m out-of-the-ordinary because I am sad or depressed or going through a tough time. Thanks for being real. And I hope your funk turns around soon.

    *hugs*

    • I echo those sentiments whole-heartedly. I feel like it’s really difficult, because we’re immersed in this healthy living world where running 7 miles a day and training for marathons is the norm. So it skews your perspective about what you “should” be doing. On another note, thank you for thanking me for being honest. I always have a lot of trepidation about publishing posts like this because I don’t to be a debbie downer, so now I know at least one person doesn’t hate me for it. 🙂

      • I agree with Cassie – I prefer “genuine” over “fairy tale!” If you need to post more of this kind of thing – do it. I hope you’re feeling better today Gretchen – a high school friend of mine used to say “cheer up sugarplum” and it always made me smile no matter how sad/grumpy/teenager-day-like my day was… at least today is not sweltering hot!

      • Make that two! I run and greatly enjoy it BUT compared to the people in this community I run small potatoes lol (although I’ve done 3 long distance races).

        Running isn’t for everyone and you shouldn’t beat yourself up about not loving it or not being “the bomb.com” with it. I will never be a 6 minute miler, I will never run a marathon just for kicks – marathons and running in general are hard work.

        I only fell in love with running after being cruelly dumped; running to Linkin Park and literally shouting “I hate you!” in public was what saved me from either being the crazy ex gf or going on meds.

        I’m over the jerk now but still use running to work out frustration and I’m not the least bit embarrassed to shout out, fist pump, or shadowbox during runs. Yes, I’m a geek.

        It’s hard to not compare yourself to others or think, “Hey – healthy people run so I should run too”. Do what feels best and if you do want to evolve into a runner then see it as a journey – maybe right now you’re not crushing hard on it but you never now!

        Hope today is a better day and my offer still stands – let me know if you ever want to “rog”.

        • Argh, “know” not “now”….

  4. I am right there with ya, girl.

    I ran a 5K last year, thinking that I would get bitten by the “race bug”. Yeah, not so much. I could run 3 miles at this time last year – now, I can barely go a mile without wanting to die on the side of the road.
    I WANT to run; I WANT to enjoy it, but every time I lace up my shoes it’s a battle. And I usually lose. I can’t remember the last time I finished a run feeling exhilarated. I’ve really been struggling with the same issues lately – don’t get down on yourself. You’re NOT alone!! 🙂

  5. Hey. So, you lost your mojo. No worries – it happens all the time! I’ve actually been feeling a little like that all week, myself.

    And sometimes when (rhetorically) you lose your mojo, you need to look for it in other places, like totally satisfying pizza. It happens!

    It’s a new day – and I can only assume the mojo is back in full force!!! 😀

    BTW – I loathe running. I know that’s taboo in our world, but it’s so true. LOATHE it. The only time I will make the attempt is when I’m doing HIIT and can break it up with sprints.

    Enjoy HP!

    • “Mojo”, hahahaha. Can’t think of anything else but Austin Powers when it comes to that word, but I guess it is pretty apt. Today is already much better, I must say, so thank you. 🙂

  6. GRETCHEN!!! I definitely have Eeyore days and honestly I try to just forget about them and normally I skip my workout because what happened to you usually happens to me — I quit early and then beat myself up. So I call it a rest day and take a nap or get to bed early. Sorry you’re feeling this way and I hope you crawl out of it soon.

    Have fun at HP tonight! My sister and a bunch of her friends are going tonight as well.

  7. I’m sorry you’re feeling down… but I applaud you for keeping it real. It’s nice to see that things aren’t always sunshine and light for everyone. It happens to ALL of us.

    I’m geeking-out in anticipation of HP this weekend, too. I can’t wait! (though, I guess I can b/c I’m not about to drag my 32-year-old butt out to the midnight showing tonight! ha).

    And, hellooooo Neville. That poster doesn’t do Mr. Longbottom justice. I just had a slightly inappropriate moment regarding him on my blog yesterday…
    http://musingsofavioletmonkey.com/2011/07/13/hot-hotter-hottest/

    ~

    • The picture you posted in your post just rocked my world. Hotteeeeee!

  8. If it’s any consolation, Eeyore is my favorite character!

    • He is kinda the best, isn’t he? Pooh’s still got #1 in my heart though. 🙂

  9. I’m sorry you had such a rough day! Post vacation blues, maybe? Shake it off and you’ll be back to your old self in no time.

    Side note, I don’t really BELIEVE the mantras either, but I still find myself saying them. Strange.

    • Maybe it’s just part of the whole “fake it ’til you make it” thing. I probably SHOULD start saying them, because maybe one day I’ll just start believing. 🙂 (Doooon’t stop belieeeevin’!)

  10. So I actually really appreciate you writing this post because it’s honest, raw and TRUE. Every day isn’t going to be sprinkles and rainbows. I’m actually having a really hard time right now as well. I just want to throw myself a pity party every night when I get home – and I haven’t worked out in well over a week. It grosses me out and I need to get back on track.

    I’m like you and don’t run to “clear my head” or “because I love it” – I’ve never been one of those people, no matter how hard I try.

    Best of luck getting out of your “funk”, Gretchen! You can do it!!!!

  11. Hi Gretchen ….

    First-time post on your blog 4-me. Love reading everything ….. all your stories, (the good and not so) Gretchen. Keep it up …. you are a great writer! Cute too!!!

    Please …. do not be so hard on yourself. Tomorrow is a new day. Us ladies do like to munch and eat …. especially, pizza!

    Veggie (cold!) pizza in the morning w/my coffee is always a must-have! Usually, I will gobble 3-4 slices. A great breakfast!! Do I feel guilty …. NO! If you enjoy something …. just do that. (Maybe) take it a bit easier w/the next meal.

    Sad or not ….. I {{heart}} EEYORE! He needs us/hugs! Everytime I shop …. another Eeyore plush goes into the cart!

    Can’t wait to read more posts Gretchen.

    • Thanks for taking the time to comment, Marcee! You’re right, today is a brand new day from yesterday, and all the supportive comments I’ve received already proves that it’s about 1000x better than yesterday was. 🙂

  12. I love reading your posts, because your experience makes me feel “normal”. Today is going to be a good day … and it will end with you (and me, in Chicago) comfortably seated in a darkened theater, eating the popcorn we snuck in because coconut oil is evil.

    Chin up, gorgeous. This moment of gloom is not permanent.

    • I’m pretty sure that your comment single-handedly guaranteed that this day is going to be a great one. 🙂

  13. We could have been the same person yesterday. I was just not feeling it. I ran for 21 minutes, slow as a slug, and really just didnt care. It was simply all you were going to get out of me.
    But, on a lighter note, Harry Potter is going to make the weeks end that much better. cant wait!! Hope you have a great time and love it as much as I know I am going to!

  14. I’ve had those days. I think some people that work out a lot just assume that everyone will eventually start to enjoy working out. I don’t think that’s the case. It will just never be a hobby…just like I’ll never like sewing or playing golf and I know people that love those things. LOL I think you’re doing awesome with changing the way you eat and that’s a huge step. Keep up the awesomeness and focus on moving for your health. Gradual changes stick.

  15. Sorry you’re feeling eeyorish.

    I might mention that you are doing FANTASTIC!!! … look at your weight loss!
    It’s incredible!

    Your “slip up” of eating a couple of pieces of pizza is only to be expected every now and then, unless of course you’re not human and imperfect like the rest of us 🙂

    Plus look at all the positive comments you have been receiving. I know they would blow me away if I received them..

    Tomorrow is another day, one swallow does not a summer make, etc.

    Love your blog, by the way.

    Diane 🙂

  16. I totally understand this entire post. I have SUCH a hard time with running. I just hate every step of it. I’m so impressed with anyone who has ever run a race…I’ve never run longer than one mile without stopping! It’s totally mental, but my brain defeats my body every time.

    I have been doing strength and HIIT instead, and I like that much more. But sometimes, it sure we be nice to lace up my sneakers and just fly out the door for an effortless run. I honestly envy you for trying. That’s better than I do, most of the time! 😉

  17. *hugs* we all have our bad days…thanks for sharing yours.

  18. I totally wish I had someone to see HP with 🙁

    Sorry about your bummer day. We all have bad days, but somehow, that knowledge doesn’t really help when you’re feeling down. I am totally one of those annoying people that loves running, but believe meeee, when I started, I did NOT. Eventually, the new milestones I was hitting became exciting goals (running a mile without stopping, running a mile at 10 minute mile pace, etc etc) and I was inspired to keep doing it. Eventually, I realized that I was running because I LIKED it and I try to remind myself of that. Yes, it’s great cardio, but if I’m not feeling a run, like for real, then I don’t do it. I don’t want running to be something that I do because I have to. I find sometimes if I’m in a workout rut- going to new classes, or taking a day off, or finding a way to make the time pass helps. 🙂

  19. So this isn’t me trying to spout some quote. It’s me genuinely telling you that we’ve all been there. I have.

    Today was one of those days. My food choices weren’t terrible but I ate. A lot. The hunger monster was raging and I just couldn’t get it under control.

    But I get to make another choice tomorrow – and even tonight – because I’m off to Zumba!

    I guess the bottom line is, I’m pulling for you!!!! 🙂

  20. Aww girl, you know what? Look at what you DID do — even though you absolutely did NOT want to run, you still put on your shoes and MOVED. Who cares if you ran slow? Who cares if you walked? You did something healthy for yourself, against the major push of not wanting to, and you got that shit DONE. We’re not all marathoners. Hell, we’re not all 10- or 5k-ers. We don’t have to pretend to love it — kudos to you for keeping it real, and hopefully HP will lift your spirits. If not? Sunshine and rainbows be damned!

  21. I’m one of those semi-crazy marathon-running people, and I love running, but I *still* have runs like this. Hell, I’m sure even Kara Goucher still has runs like this. And if you don’t like running? That’s okay too.

    Thanks for being so honest about feeling down in the dumps. We all have days like this and sometimes it just helps to write through it. And I hope Harry Potter turned things around for you.

  22. I’m sorry Gretch! Thank you for sharing your honesty 🙂 Love you for that!

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